Disney Memory

At work we were sharing Disney memories so I thought I'd share mine here.

My favorite Disney memory was when I was fifteen years old. I am a huge fan of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. When my family went to Disneyland for a week I decided I wanted to meet Belle! On previous trips my parents always thought Character greetings were not as good as rides and shows therefore I had never met any Princesses. It was Monday and one of the first things we did was wait while I at fifteen years old was excited to meet Belle. She was so nice and I was extremely happy meeting her. She really brought the magic to life for me. We went on our way and did other things in the parks.
 On Wednesday we were spending the day in California Adventure and my parents mentioned seeing Belle in the animation building doing greetings again. My parents indulged their daughter again and waited in line so I could meet the same character performer as Belle again and take more pictures with her. This greeting with Belle I was able to talk to her a bit more because there was not a line behind me and she commented on my princess hat and my necklace being cute. Our vacation went on and on Friday I spotted Belle again. This time my younger brother was with me and knew that I wanted to wait in line again. I met Belle a third time in 5 days and it was the same character performer and This time I got to talk to her even more, and the best thing happened to me that made my whole trip; She remembered me and my necklace that she liked. She knew I had visited her twice before and remembered me. It showed me a lot about Disney and the fact that performers do enjoy meeting people. That Belle made my trip worthwhile, she also inspired me to really think about working for Disney someday. She made the magic come alive for me and even though I was fifteen years old she stayed in character and preserved the magic. I will never forget that trip because of that Belle.

Yup I work for Disney and its Legit now

Yeah Thanks for that.

Ugh. okay I'll be honest I'm crying while writing this. These last few blogs make me sound like a cry baby, which I'm not. Its just when I cry that I feel the need to get my feelings out the most. So My dad Just called me the B word. Which is why I'm crying. It's hurtful how does he not get that? How does he also not get that its totally inappropriate to call ANYONE that let alone his own daughter. Jeez Thanks dad. I freaking love you too. I'm moving in THREE weeks and You are going to Disneyland tomorrow with mom and Zach and your grandsons leaving me home alone and I'm a bad person?

Because Today is my baby brother's 19th birthday and I told my parents we have plans but won't tell them what the plans are. So THAT makes me a bad person?

Do you really want to know why you can't know what we are doing?!

Because its your freaking wedding anniversary this month, on like the 23rd or the 26th or something like that. And because your youngest daughter... aka ME arranged for a photo shoot with a professional photographer to take pictures of your kids and grandkids as a SURPRISE for your anniversary. Thanks Jerk, for making me feel bad for not telling you a SURPRISE. So glad I planned this for you. So grateful.

For reasons like these I'm moving my butt clear across the country as far away as possible and I would bet tons of money that my parents don't even bother to check on me at all. Yeah that's my parents for you... They seem Bipolar. They are not very affectionate people. Which is why I am so determined to be affectionate in my future family and make sure my kids know exactly how much I love them.

Teaching Fhe Is apparently HARD

Today was a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, it wasn't! 
It started out like a normal day. Typical Monday. I got up to go to work. And was excited to hear back from my best friend via Email. He is very consistent with his emails. It usually comes at 10:30ish in the morning California time. However, I go to work at 9:30 now on Monday's and Tuesdays. I had to learn how to check my email from my phone so I could read what he says! His response is always beautiful. We got to talk on the phone yesterday, for his Mother's day call. His mom was nice enough to let me come. I LOVE his mom. I seriously admire her so much. I'm so grateful that she felt the need to have two more children in her 40's! Without her making that decision I wouldn't have my lovey. And without her and the women that she is, I wouldn't have Nathan the way he is. He was brought up so well. In an active family that taught him such amazing qualities and important things. He is so at ease and confident with everything, especially the gospel. Nathan is seriously my greatest example. 
Things he mentions in his email brighten my day 99.9% of the time. Today was no exception. His email was short, quick, but sweet and heartfelt. He was short on time because he was rushing to send us, Us being Me, Julie who is his oldest sister, and His mom, Pictures. He sent so many pictures. That amazing boy! He is just so handsome. And his p-day clothes are clothes I got him. hehe. And he is wearing the CTR ring I bought him. His companion is a cutie too. I love Elder Foster. If that isn't obvious enough or anyone isn't aware.. I am in Love with him. I like that we think the same now about some things. We never did before. Who would have thought that being like 1,800 miles apart would bring us closer together. (According to google maps its 1,720 miles door to door) But Now we think the same. We hate the term "Waiting". Hate it. It makes me seem like I'm sitting on my butt for two years waiting for a boy to come save me. We agree on this. We are learning and growing.


Well at work today, I got pooped on. Can you say that you got Pooped on at work? Yeah, I didn't think so. I work at a Lorikeet (type of bird from Australia) exhibit at the local Zoo, for the month of May, just until I go to Disneyworld. But as SOON as I walked through the door to go in with the birds. BOOM! right on my shoulder. I seriously yelled at the birds. I was not happy, but its not that big of a deal. I've come to accept that they will poop on me. I enjoy working there. I get to interact with little kids a lot. There were 3 field trips to the Zoo today. I'm so happy around kids. I seriously am so looking forward to being a Mother and going on adventures with my kids. like to the ZOO! I could go on adventures with my family forever. I'm so excited about that!
I told my boss today about my Disneyworld internship and that I would be leaving in a month. June 5 to be exact. It went really well actually. She was super nice about it even though I just started there. I love this job.


I got picked up from work. I work with my brother but he only works half days so he takes the car and picks me up. I went home and looked at more pictures from my lovely missionary Friend. I finished up my lesson for Family Home Evening at my singles ward. I was very excited to teach so I printed off some last things and went to FHE.
i got there early and put some extra finishing touches on the lesson and waiting for FHE to start. My ward can NOT start on time for anything so we started at like 7:30..ish. We sang and guess what. Its my turn. I got in front of everyone. and got my papers all ready to give the lesson. I have terrible stage fright. I don't like teaching. I don't like public speaking, but I've felt like I needed to teach this lesson for about two weeks. That is why I volunteered to do it. I felt like I needed to give this lesson.
Long story short. I guess I couldn't, I tried and passed things out and we read a scripture but everyone was TALKING and couldn't follow SIMPLE instructions. I was trying to start my lesson and everyone kept asking questions about the pieces of paper they were given. I put a LOT of prep work and thought into the lesson. No one was listening. So I started to hold back tears because all my effort was pointless. I told one of my friends to stop talking and I stood up there awkwardly and just WATCHED everyone talk. It was so rude and It was driving me crazy. I couldn't even say anything, No one would listen. I was holding back tears and really wanted to walk away but I couldn't, that wouldn't be okay just to talk away in the middle of a lesson... One more person said something and I did the unthinkable. I left EVERYTHING there and walked away and went straight to the bathroom, lights off and locked myself in a bathroom stall and Bawled my freaking eyes out. No, not just cried, I bawled. To the point I couldn't breathe. I wanted to be held. I wanted Nathan. I never missed him more, I wanted him just to hold me close like he used to and help me. One of my best friend's Alicia came in and checked on me. She Stood on the toilet and looked over the stall to watch me and try to comfort me, and remind me to breathe!
My Bishop sent a girl in the bathroom to try to get me to come out. Let's say it didn't work. I stayed in the bathroom, I'm not a very pretty crier. Some girls look fine when they cry, some can just have random tears fall and still look beautiful, let's just say that is not me. When I cry... I CRY. My eyes puff up and get red. Eventually everyone left me alone, and I heard the activity had started when means everyone had left the institute building to go outside. So, I slowly left the bathroom. My Bishop was in the hall and asked me if I was okay and offered me a hug. I went and sat with the bishop and his wife and Alicia in the foyer of the institute building and watched people participate in the activity. We played a live game of Clue. I was supposed to be one of the characters but Alicia took my role since I obviously wasn't going to do it. I slowly talked to more and more people. It was awkward since I seriously walked out of my lesson. I got some hugs and people came to check on if I was okay. I assured everyone that I was fine. Basically I lied. I went up to my friend Todd, I call him Toddle I went up to him and got a hug and the first thing I said was "Can I go to Texas?" He knew what I meant. I wanted Nate to fix everything for me, but obviously that couldn't happen. So I settled for playing something Nate taught me on the Piano. The Piano makes me feel so close to him. Which reminds me I should listen to the song he wrote for me :) Yes he wrote me a SONG. Just mine. He gave it to me for Christmas. He wrote it starting in September and wrote a lot of it while we were broken up for October. He showed it to me on October 30th the first day we saw each other again. I cried. He is amazing. 


Since I couldn't teach my lesson at FHE I will teach it here.

The Worth of A Soul

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10: Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.

Each Child of Heavenly Father is of Great Worth!
We are all unique and each have our own strengths and weaknesses.
We all Look, Sound and Act different. We are all important in the sight of God. He has given us a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses. 


Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed thee in the Belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I Sancitfied thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

Our Father in heaven KNOWS us, he knows us completely better than anyone else. He knows what is in our hearts and our unique characteristics. He can tell us apart from another just by.. Everything that we are. He knows us better than anyone here on earth. He knows us so much better than our earthly parents. Think about your earthly Father, or Father figure, I assume he knows you pretty well. I know my dad knows me really well. He can predict my reactions to things. That is something I love about my dad. He knows and cares for me enough to predict my actions! Just think about that in comparison to our Heavenly Father, with all his knowledge knowing everything about us. He knows what we will decide and what we will do before we even do it. He can comfort us in our time of need and knows that each of our needs are unique and he is able to help all of us. 

He gives us all gifts like it says in D&C 46:10-13
10 And again, verily I say unto you, I would that ye should always remember, and always retain in your minds what those gifts are, that are given unto the church. 
11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

We are all given gifts to develop and grow individually.
But we are all also given Weaknesses. Ether 12:27

27And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Our strengths and weaknesses help us grow and are unique to each of us.

President Hinckley said in 1972

"The work of the world is not done by intellectual geniuses. It is done by men [and women] of ordinary capacity who use their abilities in an extraordinary manner".

Elder Marvin J. Ashton (quorum of the 12) said in 1973

"As Children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him. What a great blessing to be created in his image and know of our true potential in and through him!" 

I know I am unique for a reason, I know that my individuality helps me grow uniquely in his eternal plan. His plan is perfect and making each of us unique is just part of that plan. He knows you and cares for you and wants you to do  your best, learn from both your strengths and weaknesses, make your weaknesses into strengths and return to him.

Holding On

Holding On
(Cherie Call)

If I had to move away, if I had to pack a box today
There are some things I'd have to let go before I headed down the
interstate. My favorite dress that doesn't fit anymore, and all the papers in my
old desk drawer Bad habits and old grudges, I'd take them all to the second hand store.
But there's a list of things I'd have to take with me
No matter how long this winding road turns out to be

I'm holding on to the valentines
And letters I've read a thousand times that say
"We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my own backyard
I hope that I can fit it all in my car
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on

You can't keep a harvest moon, it fades away all too soon
And even the trees let go of their leaves much quicker than you'd ever
choose So many people say goodbye, I see those teardrops in their eyes
And I start to wonder how I'd live without love
And I'm glad I never have to try
Cause hardly anything lasts forever anymore
But there will always be a few things that I'm gonna keep fighting for

I'm holding on to my father's love
And my mother's faith in God above
She says "We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my true love's hand
And I know that he will always understand
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on

Shooting stars and red balloons
Ice cream cones and breezy Junes
I love them all, I hold them dear, but they so quickly disappear
These are the things I'll keep with me, no matter where my life will
lead me A loving word, a gentle kiss, I need nothing more than this

I'm holding on to the valentines
And letters I've read a thousand times that say
"We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my own backyard
I hope that I can fit it all in my car
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on
I'm holding on to my father's love
And my mother's faith in God above
She says "We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my true love's hand
And I know that he will always understand
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm holding to the Love of a boy that is far away. Not everyone agrees with me doing this but this is My life and I will not let anyone else dictate what I can or Can Not do. I'm holding on to that love but that doesn't mean I am not growing and progressing. That is the most important thing to me, and putting the lord first. I do have so much love for Nathan, but I'm glad he's gone and I wouldn't want him to come home soon. He needs more time. I need more time. He's been gone for a bit but I'm looking forward to my adventures while he's gone.

Missing you

Nathan is on his mission.
I made friends with lots of girls that also have boyfriends/best friends/ex boyfriends that are on missions and they are writing and supporting them.
I'm writing Nate. but these girls, my story compared to theirs... it seems like something is wrong with me? like maybe I don't care enough? its weird they are SOO depressed about their boys being gone and they don't get to see them for two years. They cry all the freaking time and are sad and complain about how much they miss and miss and miss their boyfriends and want them home already. He's been gone a week... you can calm the crap down.
I don't miss Nate like these girls miss their boys. I've been wondering if something is wrong with me, do I not care about Nathan enough to cry over him and cry over missing him? I'm very proud of myself that I haven't cried. Yes I cried when we said goodbye but I haven't cried about it since he checked into the MTC. No.. that isn't true, I started crying the second I heard his voice when he called me from the airport. But I don't think I cried about missing him I was just so happy to hear his voice and hear from him and I was PROUD of him.

I think the preparation Nathan and I took to prepare for his mission helped a lot. We constantly talked about preparing and not only whether Nate was prepared to serve, but was I prepared for him to leave me for two years and leave me standing on my own two feet after relying on him for so long. I set goals for myself and prayed and got blessing about what to do with these two years that my best friend is gone. I'm going on adventures, going to date, gain my independence and live away from home. Nate and I really talked about how important serving the Lord is and how important sharing the gospel is with those around us and sharing it with as many people as possible. Missionary work is so important and sacred and divine. Nate constantly reminded me that he would drop our relationship at the drop of a hat if he had to decide between being with me and serving the Lord. He MADE that decision. We broke up. He decided to serve the lord first and just be my best friend from afar. He showed me where his priorities lie and it is an amazing example and after praying I felt that its right.

There is nothing wrong with me. I don't cry from missing him (yet). But we have the correct priorities in check. The Lord's work comes first. our friendship is lower on the list. We can't predict the future. We can only follow our hearts and what the spirit tells us. I love him. I'm not done done with him. I've accepted it. I don't know what is going to happen in my future but My boy is gone and I'm still HAPPY! I get amazing letters from my best friend and I get to read his testimony every time he shares it with me. and I get to share mine with him. My testimony and faith in the little things.

I love him. He is going to be a great missionary with his priorities in order. And I get to have adventure and be happy with where my life is going.
I do miss the hugs and snuggles and kisses and the way he looks at me. No one else compares. I've never found someone that hugs me how he does. Snuggles with him or as we called it "snugs" (cuddling) was perfect and honestly I've casually cuddled with my guy friend and it was just awkward and I miss the way it feels to be in Nate's arms. The looks of adoration and the way his face lit up when he saw me. I'll never forget that stuff. When I would show up unexpectedly and he would drop everything to hug me and tell me that he loves me and he was glad to see me. Or him even letting me just show up and cling to him and sit on his lap while he continued his video games and he would always ask me if i brought my laptop so I could play video games with him cause he taught me how to spend more time with me. No one compares. Maybe someone will eventually but I love him and I'm glad he decided to serve the lord with all the love in his heart.

Let's Brag a bit: Daddy

Let's chat, k?

Well actually let's brag.

 

About my daddy. He's awesome.

He knows me pretty well. I'm not sure why that surprised me, but it did.

I'm apparently predictable.

My dad knows that I was having a hard time waiting for Nathan to get his call. And he knew how proud I was of Nate and everything like that.

 

My dad helped me plan my future, far away wedding. He gave me really good ideas I never thought about before he suggested them, and his ideas make so much sense. I'm going to use them. I love that he talked to me about it.

 

And he always told me, Nathan is a great guy but if he's not the one, there is someone else that is going to come along that is even better. Nathan isn't your only chance of happiness. Just find someone that will take you to the Temple.

So the other day while I was sitting in the main room watching tv with my dad.

He decided to ask a question that opened up a whole conversation and I got to tell my dad exactly what I'm going through.

He asked if Nate and I are Done Done.

OH if you only knew. I assured him off, Yes. We are Done Done. He is Not the one for me.

I got to tell him about the blessing I got from the patriarch confirming that Nate is not the one. And I told him about the reflections I've had and what I've been thinking about when I think about Nate. The fact that our relationship was far from perfect and there was a LOT of room for improvement. He was theoretically right for me, but wasn't the one. He didn't give me butterflies or make me smile ALL the time and that is what I want.

My dad responded with a response of Go find him, don't settle. Just because Nate treated me well doesn't mean anyone else can't. He told me to go find someone that will treat me like the Goddess I want to become in the gospel.

Then we talked about guys in the Single Ward (he is the ward clerk so both my parents are in my singles ward and I don't mind)

My dad shared his opinion about guys I've been hanging out with now and brought up positive attributes he sees in boys I mentioned.

They were attributes I never really thought about in looking for friends or dates.

I'm looking now.

I love my Daddy. He is the best.

Time flies

Oh Wow. It has been Almost two weeks since I last posted a blog. I need to make it a habit. This is basically a journal, I was always bad at writing in them. I am the type of person that I talk to myself... yes a little crazy but its the best way i deal with things. When I talk to myself i do it in letter form, as in i write letters to people in my head. know exactly what I'm going to say them and then my negative feelings kinda just go away. I don't feel the need to actually tell the person when they hurt my feelings or do something that bothers me. I don't like hurting other people's feelings. I'm not quite sure how people do that on a regular basis. I am aware that I can be mean, but honestly I don't try to be. I got two huge compliments the other day from two different guys saying I'm too nice and I'm the nicest person they know. All I could think was thank you and how flattering but they must know some pretty mean people. So this is me setting a goal to blog more. Not that anyone really reads this or is interested in what I have to say. But you never know.

That is all for now.

Don't judge my grammatical errors, I'm much too lazy to fix them today.

But Judge if you must, I can't stop you.

Next Blog topic: My Daddy.

Surprises. Don't make everything better

That is my opinion.

Surprises don't make everything better, they don't solve anything.

Especially Flowers.

That is what I woke up to this morning. A boutique of flowers sent to me from a guy friend trying to cheer me up. What does this remind me of? That people are feeling sorry for me. That cheers me up? The reminder that people are noticing I'm sad and trying to cheer me up.

Ugh its annoying. I don't like people feeling sorry for me. I actually kinda hate it.

I mean it is really sweet that he did that and I do appreciate everything, everyone is doing for me. It is not going to take away my sadness, or my being confused.

So let's try to be positive now.

I am one of the girls that plan the activities for our ward. We decided to go Heart Attacking.

I made tons of hearts in different colors and sizes, talked to people and I was feeling a little out of place with my ward. but suddenly I felt like I should write saying on the hearts. So I did. I wrote love notes to the people we were going to see. It felt great. Especially when after we had delivered everything, a girl we visited took pictures of everything and posted them on facebook. And was super grateful for the hearts with quotes. it made me feel like I made a difference.

Then I found out there was a car load of boys going to the dance. So even though it was an hour drive, I was suddenly in for going to the dance and I then invited everyone and convinced some more people to go. There were 17 people from my ward that drove an hour to go dancing. It was pretty much a big turn out since it is very far away. 

While dances make me feel lonely in a crowded room and completely out of place these days, it gave me a chance to reconnect with old friends.

Naked Neck

I might be alone on this one I don't exactly like jewelry.

Some things just get annoying. I haven't worn earrings since September 2008 and I know that date because it was for my sister's wedding and my ears were killing me after so I just stopped and never really found a reason to wear them again so my holes closed up which is fine with me.

I don't wear many rings either. Right now I just have my CTR ring.

Jewelry means something to me.

When I started dating Nate we would usually play with eachother's rings and ended up trading one night. We never traded back. I'm not sure why. It was kinda like you have a little piece of me with you always kinda thing so I had his big ring on a necklace so I wouldn't lose it. 

That ring was replaced with a ring Nate had bought me that didn't quite fit. 

but it stayed around my neck.

Since we broke up. I took it off.

I feel like its MISSING.

It is really foreign to me. I used to grab it and hold it all the time. It was my ultimate comfort. I used to hold onto it when i was scared or insecure or alone.

I keep reaching for it while I'm at church.

Or when I'm on my computer or reading.

So i end up grabbing my hair instead.

I would feel weird replacing it so soon.

Guess I'm standing on my own two feet for now. With out my magic necklace.

Without my Nate.

With a Naked Neck.

Time changes everything

'Tis true. and as much as it frustrates me, it is going to remain true. Time changes everything, and it can happen when you least expect it.

Like Last Saturday for example. Totally blindsided. The way I expected to end the night did NOT happen. Instead something I quite honestly Never expected happen. How do you deal with a wrench thrown into your plans?

Let me tell you. I don't. Not very well at least. I go into utter and complete shock. and usually I panic. and Cry. Which has developed in to panic attacks, and oh boy are they fun... NOT.

I got blindsided while I was at work, on my fifteen minute break while on the phone. So then I had to act completely calm and collected and normal for the other hour and a half at work. It was actually only another 20 minutes until the store closed. That was a plus. Only 20 minutes until no more customers in the store. Once the door was closed and locked, it was time for folding galore. I found quite a few things that needed to be folded, and I turned the music off in my section (the kids and baby sections) so I could truly think and reflect on everything. I started just talking out loud. Praying basically. There was no one else in the Kids and baby Sections so My coworker and Manager had no clue what was going on. I folded a lot of clothes while crying and thinking, and praying out loud. After a long time of being lonely and folding and in my own little world, I opened up to my coworker. I told her what was going on and everything that had happened. How I got blindsided and caught off guard. She showed me her support and gave me advice and It was really nice hearing what she said.
I went home after work, crying on the drive home, still trying to figure out everything that had happened. Thoughts were going through my head. The typical things, What did I do wrong? Did i miss some sign? Did I see the sign but ignore it?

You could probably guess what happened that Blindsided me. It happened between Nathan and I. We are not working out. Even though we love each other, It's just not working.

I got back on the phone and tried to figure everything out, it didn't work I still felt lost. Over the next few days. I felt lost and confused. Trying to figure everything out. I went to church and wanted to talk to my Bishop but he was sick so he wasn't there. Sunday was long and boring.

So let's fast foward to Monday.
I woke up with perfect timing to an Email from a buddy of mine on his mission. Jason! He's in portugal

(Picture Jason and I may 2009)
So we got to email back and forth for an hour or two, and while I was on my other missionary buddy was online and emailed me randomly, I loved it. Talking to them was nice, I really miss them.
I went to work, my boss and everyone continued to talk about how skinny I look. (over the last 6 months or so I went from a pretty full size 8 to a size 4 and its sometimes still baggy on me. I lost like 25 pounds, without doing anything except having stress in my life and when I get stressed I eat a lot less) My boss knows that Nathan and I have been a roller coaster of emotions and have broken up many times, so she asked me how I was doing and if that was the reason this all was happening. I assured her that it was. She was happy we broke up and saw the bright side because it could be good for us to go our separate ways because two years is a long time. I started crying when telling her about what happened but I refused to cry so I walked away in the middle of the conversation. Work makes me extremely happy! I love my job. I'm able to just be happy there. After work was time for food and a planning meeting at the institute building before Family Home Evening with the ward.
My ward is fun, they make me laugh. So I was feeling good being alone for once, not having Nathan by my side. I was in my own skin and getting to know new people that I don't normally talk to or old friends that I kinda lost contact with because I was in a relationship and we were attached at the hip. I had fun, and since friends decided they were hungry we went out to eat at SONIC because it is the best. didn't you know that? They have the best drinks. So I was excited to go. But once I got into my car alone I was overwhelmed with emotions and started to have a panic attack. I was MAD at this panic attack, I was driving so it was dangerous and there was no trigger so I was mad that it was happening and I was crying. I was on the freeway and trying to calm myself down from this panic attack, which I had no clue how to do because Nathan was the only one that could calm me down. I managed to stay in control a bit until I parked and I waited for my friends. but once I parked all heck broke loose. The water works had already started, and the panic attack took off. My friends pulled up next to me and saw me crying so I got I love you texts and then My friend aka adopted cousin aka always been there, showed up in my car and tried talking to me. She has seizures and has never seen me have a panic attack before, actually none of these friends had. Allie was trying to calm me down but it definitely wasn't working. She called her boyfriend who is one of my best friends but lives in Idaho for help, but he didn't answer. This panic attack was BAD probably in the top 5 of panic attacks I've had. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. Eventually I stopped having the bad portion of my panic attack. Allie took me out of my car and we went and hung out with our friends. At that point I missed Nate because He was always able to hold me and calm me down and make me feel better. Allie does not agree that Nate is the way to fix panic attacks since they are caused by him. He is a major contributing factor to the panic attacks and my panic disorder. Overall my Monday was ALL over the place.

Days have gotten pretty long, mostly because I can't sleep. Tuesday my nephew woke me up with roses, he is 5 and adorable. Be jealous. Then I had work. Glorious work in the morning. I love it. Waking up early is hard sometimes but I like the morning shift. However, that means by 2 in the afternoon I have nothing to do with the rest of my days.

(May 2010)
Tuesday was my one year anniversary of friendship with one of my best friends Nathan Vincent. (previously mentioned in this story as Allie's boyfriend)

This Picture is from that day. (Wow its a really bad picture of me)
But This is the family home evening we became super close. So this year we celebrated with a Skype date. It was fun.
After a Skype date I quickly was finding myself crying and feeling sorry for myself. I decided I didn't want to be home, or alone. So to Allie's house was the plan. Girl time and advice.

Basically we ended up talking about EVERYTHING. Every thought I had about Nate I could share with her and she wouldn't judge me, she never does. And She'd give me her perspective on the situation and tell me things that I didn't want to hear but needed to. We talked til midnight and I was balling like a baby. I had been wanting a blessing about the whole situation so she went and woke up her grandpa that everyone calls Pop. He's been the stake patriarch for years and he gave me a blessing. It was so comforting. Have you ever had one of those blessing that changed everything? Your perspective and everything you know.
Well this one did it for me. He said exactly what I needed to hear, and knowing it came from the Patriarch and he knew nothing that was going on besides that Nate is going on a mission, I knew it was comfort from my loving Father. After the blessing I stopped crying. Honestly, I don't remember if I have cried since. It was amazing the feeling that washed over me. I walked out of the room certain of there is some boy out there (I had a feeling in Utah) that is going to love me exactly how I want him to. It felt okay to let Nathan go. I never thought that would be possible, but oh boy the power of the priesthood was very noticeable at this point in my life. My thoughts were turned back to something It says in my Patriarchal Blessing about my future husband. The part about my husband Nathan never quite fit, what the Lord told me about my lovely future husband. Odd to think about that all the sudden. Odd to accept that all the sudden. It would take a LOT of changing for Nate and I ever to work. But I don't want to feel insecure anymore. I don't want to be sad or feel like I have to always be the one working for the relationship. The blessing was literally a God Send. I could not have asked for anything more.

So let's talk about Wednesday now.
I had the morning shift at work. Which is great because I get in and out and still have most of my day to do things I want to do. It is especially good on Wednesdays because we have regular customers, like Stella, who (whom? idk) I got to help find new jeans. That is fun. It is also great because there is no other time I can work on Wednesdays besides the morning shift. I'm so happy at work. It is amazing sometimes and I take it for granted how much helping others find cute clothes and good deals can brighten up my day. I love helping people.
I went straight from work and walked to school. The mall is right across the street from the community college I currently go to. The only problem with walking was, I get out of work at 1:30 and need to buy lunch and I have class at 2:00, so walking and eating is not fun. Also, forgetting you wore your boots (fake uggs) that have no support and you put an extra book in your backpack for institute. Heavy backpack. Not smart.
Oh, how I love my English class. I seriously have an amazing teacher.
The papers she has us write are not pointless and they are fun to write. I think I'll end up posting some on here eventually. I love this college class!
After class, a boy in my ward I can always count on Ryan picked me up from school because He is awesome like that. I had volunteered to feed the missionaries that night so we went by Papa Murphy's because that is the good pizza, got some and headed to the institute building. We cooked the pizza in the kitchen there and waited for the missions that were supposed to show up at 6, but of course were half an hour late because of a lesson they were teaching. It was fun talking to the missionaries and getting to know them they are awesome. :)
Class was extremely good, even though I missed like twenty minutes of it looking for a friend and freaking out. Allie who I mentioned has seizures so she has a service dog, Simba. Well she took Simba out to go potty in the middle of class but took a long time so I got worried and started freaking out, but she was just in the other building playing the piano. Worrying was not necessary but  I felt more at ease knowing she was okay and with the piano, not having a seizure alone in the dark parking lot.

Thursday
aka the longest day ever since it's my day off work, no church activities, and no school.
I woke up to babysit my nephews, which is always interesting because they throw fits and fight and don't listen. but they are 5 and 1 and adorable so easily forgiven. Time passes slow on days I don't have anything planned. Or time passes slow in general these days.
I went over to Allie's for a movie day and Ryan was there too. It is nice hanging out with friends and getting your mind off of things. We watched "R.E.D." then "Life as We Know it" and "Bedtime stories" and "dumb and Dumber" they were all really entertaining. Even to my surprise "Dumb and Dumber" was funny at MOMENT, but it was really dumb humor.

Friday
Absolutely Nothing happened besides I went to work at night. Before work I watched a Jersey Shore Marathon on MTV.


(Saturday deserves its own post and it was pretty interesting)

So that was the week. Time changes everything. I didn't talk to Nathan since Tuesday and I had love and support from tons of friends.
Go ahead. Judge as you will. I didn't even make it out of the gate waiting for my missionary.
I've never felt so much comfort and confirmation I will find a new amazing guy that loves me back as much as I love him. And will Truly accept me as I am.

Complicated.

Challenge day two.

So far I keep thinking about things to blog so I'm excited to start blogging random things that happen to me. like today I decided to windex windows in my car but my nephew decided to come so when I went to pick him up I SLAMMED my hand into the car door on the edge so now I have a very nice size bump on my hand and My hand Hurts let me tell you. typing is not fun at the moment.

But let's finish this challenge first.

Day Two.

Explain Your Current Relationship Status.

...Couldn't we do something a little easier? Well, if this is what you want...

Seat belts on? This is a wild ride.

Leah's Current Relationship Status: VERY Complicated.

Why is it so complicated? Because I am in love (Yes, in LOVE) with Nathan Hugh Foster.

Isn't he cute? He is adorable. Geez I love him.

So No, it is not one of those, It's complicated because I "Love" him and He doesn't know I exist. He is very much aware I exist. He loves me too.

We've been in love with each other for about a year now.

However! We gave up on titles and labels of our relationship about4 months ago.

While our family members still introduce us as boyfriend/girlfriend, we don't bother to correct them because we are in love and have been together. 

He is my best friend and my Lovey. Titles aren't important.

What is important is that I'm not dating anyone else and He isn't either.

We want to be with each other.

But we can't. 
And Why can't we?
Nathan Hugh Foster is going on a Mission! So he'll be Elder Foster
He is reporting to the mission field March 23rd so we have less than 6 weeks left with each other. I'm so proud of him going, and I know he will be an amazing missionary. Two years away from each other is a long time. There are no guarantees in life. So while we WANT to be together, we can't predict the future and what will come out of these two years.
We aren't positive we'll end up together after these two years. they could change us and challenge us. But let's hope for the best.
We are in love and it's staying that way.
I think he is adorable and I've come to respect everything he is and stands for. I love his family like they were my own. I feel at home when I am with him. He truly is my best friend and I can tell him anything and everything. He tries to understand and take care of me and he is awesome and amazing and be jealous because He is all mine and I'm not sharing.
Our relationship is sometimes a roller coaster and there are MANY people that don't think we can make it and don't think that we should be together or that we aren't right for each other. We know our goal and our goal is to many the RIGHT person in the temple and be sealed and be happy. If we turn out to be the right person for each other, I would LOVE that, because he truly is my best friend. If Heavenly Father has someone else in store for each of us that can make us as happy or happier and we are supposed to be with, well then I can't really complain now can I? If Heavenly Father provides me with someone BETTER for me than My Nathan, then I will have a freaking awesome husband. Because Nathan is awesome so he'll be hard to top. 
He's my Paladin, (Yes, this IS a video game term)
 
He's my Superman.

 I could continue and write our whole story of how we got together, but I'll save that for another time. For now, I'll tell you that I love a boy who is leaving me for two years.
He is my family. And he is leaving his family behind for two years so others can learn and spend forever with theirs. 
I adore him.


Judge if you must. It will change NOTHING. :)
(ps. the picture is from our anniversary)

Challenge Accepted

I've been wanting to start a blog, I was unsure If I had anything interesting to say. So I got discouraged but I realized I LOVE to write. My English class brought that back writing papers and essays I'm kinda liking it so far. So why not just put what I want down? So I was nervous about where to start. So why not start with one of those Challenge Blogs things.

So done check lets start.

Challenge Day ONE

Introduce yourself.

I'm Leah Christine! I just turned 21. I just started college (again) but this time I have a goal in mind and I'm working towards that goal. I want to be a dental and Orthodontic Assistant, because I want to make a difference in someone else's life and as weird as it sound the biggest thing that I've been through in my life is getting my teeth fixed. It effected my confidence and made me feel better about myself. I want to be able to help do that for someone else.

I work retail, in the mall, Woot? I fold clothes for money. but I also get to help people pick out outfits! and That is fun! My closet has expanded since I've worked there. I can't help myself, I'm a bit of a shopaholic. I rationalize shopping a lot. but you know what? oh well. I have to work to get over that, and I've accepted that.

My family and my friends have greatly impacted my life, seriously I rely on them a lot and I love them. I would be a mess without them. 

I'm really happy with how my life is right now. I'm super glad I'm finally progressing in school and know everything can change in an instant so I'm doing my best everyday. I Love my life!

If you want to judge, Go ahead. I can't stop you. But your judgments aren't changing who I am.

Hugs and Kisses!