'Tis true. and as much as it frustrates me, it is going to remain true. Time changes everything, and it can happen when you least expect it.
Like Last Saturday for example. Totally blindsided. The way I expected to end the night did NOT happen. Instead something I quite honestly Never expected happen. How do you deal with a wrench thrown into your plans?
Let me tell you. I don't. Not very well at least. I go into utter and complete shock. and usually I panic. and Cry. Which has developed in to panic attacks, and oh boy are they fun... NOT.
I got blindsided while I was at work, on my fifteen minute break while on the phone. So then I had to act completely calm and collected and normal for the other hour and a half at work. It was actually only another 20 minutes until the store closed. That was a plus. Only 20 minutes until no more customers in the store. Once the door was closed and locked, it was time for folding galore. I found quite a few things that needed to be folded, and I turned the music off in my section (the kids and baby sections) so I could truly think and reflect on everything. I started just talking out loud. Praying basically. There was no one else in the Kids and baby Sections so My coworker and Manager had no clue what was going on. I folded a lot of clothes while crying and thinking, and praying out loud. After a long time of being lonely and folding and in my own little world, I opened up to my coworker. I told her what was going on and everything that had happened. How I got blindsided and caught off guard. She showed me her support and gave me advice and It was really nice hearing what she said.
I went home after work, crying on the drive home, still trying to figure out everything that had happened. Thoughts were going through my head. The typical things, What did I do wrong? Did i miss some sign? Did I see the sign but ignore it?
You could probably guess what happened that Blindsided me. It happened between Nathan and I. We are not working out. Even though we love each other, It's just not working.
I got back on the phone and tried to figure everything out, it didn't work I still felt lost. Over the next few days. I felt lost and confused. Trying to figure everything out. I went to church and wanted to talk to my Bishop but he was sick so he wasn't there. Sunday was long and boring.
So let's fast foward to Monday.
I woke up with perfect timing to an Email from a buddy of mine on his mission. Jason! He's in portugal
(Picture Jason and I may 2009)
So we got to email back and forth for an hour or two, and while I was on my other missionary buddy was online and emailed me randomly, I loved it. Talking to them was nice, I really miss them.
I went to work, my boss and everyone continued to talk about how skinny I look. (over the last 6 months or so I went from a pretty full size 8 to a size 4 and its sometimes still baggy on me. I lost like 25 pounds, without doing anything except having stress in my life and when I get stressed I eat a lot less) My boss knows that Nathan and I have been a roller coaster of emotions and have broken up many times, so she asked me how I was doing and if that was the reason this all was happening. I assured her that it was. She was happy we broke up and saw the bright side because it could be good for us to go our separate ways because two years is a long time. I started crying when telling her about what happened but I refused to cry so I walked away in the middle of the conversation. Work makes me extremely happy! I love my job. I'm able to just be happy there. After work was time for food and a planning meeting at the institute building before Family Home Evening with the ward.
My ward is fun, they make me laugh. So I was feeling good being alone for once, not having Nathan by my side. I was in my own skin and getting to know new people that I don't normally talk to or old friends that I kinda lost contact with because I was in a relationship and we were attached at the hip. I had fun, and since friends decided they were hungry we went out to eat at SONIC because it is the best. didn't you know that? They have the best drinks. So I was excited to go. But once I got into my car alone I was overwhelmed with emotions and started to have a panic attack. I was MAD at this panic attack, I was driving so it was dangerous and there was no trigger so I was mad that it was happening and I was crying. I was on the freeway and trying to calm myself down from this panic attack, which I had no clue how to do because Nathan was the only one that could calm me down. I managed to stay in control a bit until I parked and I waited for my friends. but once I parked all heck broke loose. The water works had already started, and the panic attack took off. My friends pulled up next to me and saw me crying so I got I love you texts and then My friend aka adopted cousin aka always been there, showed up in my car and tried talking to me. She has seizures and has never seen me have a panic attack before, actually none of these friends had. Allie was trying to calm me down but it definitely wasn't working. She called her boyfriend who is one of my best friends but lives in Idaho for help, but he didn't answer. This panic attack was BAD probably in the top 5 of panic attacks I've had. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. Eventually I stopped having the bad portion of my panic attack. Allie took me out of my car and we went and hung out with our friends. At that point I missed Nate because He was always able to hold me and calm me down and make me feel better. Allie does not agree that Nate is the way to fix panic attacks since they are caused by him. He is a major contributing factor to the panic attacks and my panic disorder. Overall my Monday was ALL over the place.
Days have gotten pretty long, mostly because I can't sleep. Tuesday my nephew woke me up with roses, he is 5 and adorable. Be jealous. Then I had work. Glorious work in the morning. I love it. Waking up early is hard sometimes but I like the morning shift. However, that means by 2 in the afternoon I have nothing to do with the rest of my days.
(May 2010)
Tuesday was my one year anniversary of friendship with one of my best friends Nathan Vincent. (previously mentioned in this story as Allie's boyfriend)
This Picture is from that day. (Wow its a really bad picture of me)
But This is the family home evening we became super close. So this year we celebrated with a Skype date. It was fun.
After a Skype date I quickly was finding myself crying and feeling sorry for myself. I decided I didn't want to be home, or alone. So to Allie's house was the plan. Girl time and advice.
Basically we ended up talking about EVERYTHING. Every thought I had about Nate I could share with her and she wouldn't judge me, she never does. And She'd give me her perspective on the situation and tell me things that I didn't want to hear but needed to. We talked til midnight and I was balling like a baby. I had been wanting a blessing about the whole situation so she went and woke up her grandpa that everyone calls Pop. He's been the stake patriarch for years and he gave me a blessing. It was so comforting. Have you ever had one of those blessing that changed everything? Your perspective and everything you know.
Well this one did it for me. He said exactly what I needed to hear, and knowing it came from the Patriarch and he knew nothing that was going on besides that Nate is going on a mission, I knew it was comfort from my loving Father. After the blessing I stopped crying. Honestly, I don't remember if I have cried since. It was amazing the feeling that washed over me. I walked out of the room certain of there is some boy out there (I had a feeling in Utah) that is going to love me exactly how I want him to. It felt okay to let Nathan go. I never thought that would be possible, but oh boy the power of the priesthood was very noticeable at this point in my life. My thoughts were turned back to something It says in my Patriarchal Blessing about my future husband. The part about my husband Nathan never quite fit, what the Lord told me about my lovely future husband. Odd to think about that all the sudden. Odd to accept that all the sudden. It would take a LOT of changing for Nate and I ever to work. But I don't want to feel insecure anymore. I don't want to be sad or feel like I have to always be the one working for the relationship. The blessing was literally a God Send. I could not have asked for anything more.
So let's talk about Wednesday now.
I had the morning shift at work. Which is great because I get in and out and still have most of my day to do things I want to do. It is especially good on Wednesdays because we have regular customers, like Stella, who (whom? idk) I got to help find new jeans. That is fun. It is also great because there is no other time I can work on Wednesdays besides the morning shift. I'm so happy at work. It is amazing sometimes and I take it for granted how much helping others find cute clothes and good deals can brighten up my day. I love helping people.
I went straight from work and walked to school. The mall is right across the street from the community college I currently go to. The only problem with walking was, I get out of work at 1:30 and need to buy lunch and I have class at 2:00, so walking and eating is not fun. Also, forgetting you wore your boots (fake uggs) that have no support and you put an extra book in your backpack for institute. Heavy backpack. Not smart.
Oh, how I love my English class. I seriously have an amazing teacher.
The papers she has us write are not pointless and they are fun to write. I think I'll end up posting some on here eventually. I love this college class!
After class, a boy in my ward I can always count on Ryan picked me up from school because He is awesome like that. I had volunteered to feed the missionaries that night so we went by Papa Murphy's because that is the good pizza, got some and headed to the institute building. We cooked the pizza in the kitchen there and waited for the missions that were supposed to show up at 6, but of course were half an hour late because of a lesson they were teaching. It was fun talking to the missionaries and getting to know them they are awesome. :)
Class was extremely good, even though I missed like twenty minutes of it looking for a friend and freaking out. Allie who I mentioned has seizures so she has a service dog, Simba. Well she took Simba out to go potty in the middle of class but took a long time so I got worried and started freaking out, but she was just in the other building playing the piano. Worrying was not necessary but I felt more at ease knowing she was okay and with the piano, not having a seizure alone in the dark parking lot.
Thursday
aka the longest day ever since it's my day off work, no church activities, and no school.
I woke up to babysit my nephews, which is always interesting because they throw fits and fight and don't listen. but they are 5 and 1 and adorable so easily forgiven. Time passes slow on days I don't have anything planned. Or time passes slow in general these days.
I went over to Allie's for a movie day and Ryan was there too. It is nice hanging out with friends and getting your mind off of things. We watched "R.E.D." then "Life as We Know it" and "Bedtime stories" and "dumb and Dumber" they were all really entertaining. Even to my surprise "Dumb and Dumber" was funny at MOMENT, but it was really dumb humor.
Friday
Absolutely Nothing happened besides I went to work at night. Before work I watched a Jersey Shore Marathon on MTV.
(Saturday deserves its own post and it was pretty interesting)
So that was the week. Time changes everything. I didn't talk to Nathan since Tuesday and I had love and support from tons of friends.
Go ahead. Judge as you will. I didn't even make it out of the gate waiting for my missionary.
I've never felt so much comfort and confirmation I will find a new amazing guy that loves me back as much as I love him. And will Truly accept me as I am.
